Summer Specials, Wherefore Art Thou?

The UK is still in the midst of an unlikely heatwave. Unlikely, because it has lasted more than a few days – currently we’re well into its third week, which is a big deal in the land where it rains more often than not.

But for some reason I’m shut in doors nursing a cold – which, by definition, you’d think I’d only suffer from when the weather was, say, cold? Whilst it does mean a couple of days off from my day job (like you could honestly make a living out of writing comics) it’s a bitter pill when everyone else not working is outside in the sun, surf and sand.

Still, even if I felt in top form, I can’t be arsed with a day at the beach. Too many annoying things to distract me – like people en-masse. Wearing union jack shorts. Pasty limbs splayed out in the nuclear heat. Headscarves barely covering already peeling skin. Stuffing cloying ice creams down their chops. Shudder.

So, no, I’m surprisingly not bitter at all that I’m not down Bournemouth Pier hobnobbing with the tourists.

But all of this time sat sweating in my boxers like Saddam Hussein in McDonalds has allowed me to reflect on stuff. Nothing of great note, as I am ill, you know. But stuff in general. Like, summers when I were a nipper (excuse the colloquialism but it’s essential for any Englishperson reminiscing about their childhood).

Back in those rose-tinted days, summer meant four things to me. No school for six weeks. My older brother alternating between torturing or entertaining me. Crap TV. Comic book summer specials.

Take it as read that you wouldn’t remotely be interested in points one through to three, and we’ll skip right along to point four. Now any American readers will have to bear with me here as, forgive me if I’m wrong, but the concept of a summer special never existed in the US comics market.

The nearest equivalent was the annual. But that always seemed weird to us in the UK, as annuals over here were traditionally published around Christmas time. Nice, fat hardback buggers they were too. Plumped out with reprints of older material, but still far more welcome than another pair of socks from your gran.

But I digress. The summer special was an essential part of a UK comic fans diary. DC Thomson, IPC and Marvel UK – all of ‘em dished out a lush package full of new and reprint material, that could also double up as a sun block for your face if the heat got too much (don’t try it now though, as we had an ozone layer back then).

The specials weren’t just for dedicated comic fans either. They also served as a practical way of getting new readers to sample a title (what current comic marketeers would probably refer to as a ‘jumping on point’).

They were usually printed on higher quality paper than the regular weekly comic too (yes, my American cousins, I said weekly). But then practically anything was better quality compared to the cheap bog roll tat the weeklies used to be printed on. As an aside, perhaps the crap paper wasn’t such a bad idea, since it meant the comics were pocket money priced compared to the relatively exorbitant prices on comics these days?

Back to the semblance of a point. A cursory glance at the comic stand in a local newsagent over the weekend enlightened me to the sad fact that the summer special doesn’t appear to exist anymore. And even the US market has abandoned their summer-released annuals.

Is this a sign of changing tastes, or another symbolic nail in the coffin of the comics industry?

Stu Taylor is a regular writer for Black Library Publishing’s Inferno! and Warhammer Monthly, and also Editorial Consultant for bulletproofcomics.co.uk. He’s also scouring eBay for the Scream! Summer Specials to complete his collection.

'Hulk Bored!'

Was it me, or was the Hulk movie a little bit, well, shite?

True, only got myself to blame when it comes to the disappointment. I’m far too old to keep being caught in the ‘trailer good = film good’ cobblers.

But by Christ, the last Hulk trailer was bloody fantastic!

Should have stuck with my instincts, since everything I heard about it last year sounded crap. Although the teaser bathroom sink trailer before Spider-Man was pretty funny (it was supposed to be, right?).

But I got sucked up in the hype.

I was one of the few who thought the first Super Bowl footage of the Hulk himself wasn’t lame, and who thought it was great that Ang Lee was pushing for a more psychological and thoughtful line in keeping with Peter David’s excellent run on the comic rather than the easy, Hollywood popcorn route of “Hulk smash puny tanks/buildings/gamma-irradiated Godzilla thing.”

Psychological and thoughtful is one thing, but painfully drawn out scenes of psychotic people looking thoughtful over microscopes was sheer bloody butt-numbing torture.

And don’t get me started on Nick Nolte’s shockingly over-the-top, Shakespearean piss take performance.

Was he in character when he got nicked last year? Was it all part of some new Hollywood method acting gig? And if that’s the case, does that mean Winona was in auditions for the lead in My Life As A Hollywood Shoplifter?

What is it with Hollywood’s spin on comic book villains? They always end up coming across like some stupid, one-dimensional… well, er, comic book villains.

Shit.

Maybe that’s the problem?

Hollywood’s perception of a comic book villain.

It seems that most superhero genre movies since Tim Burton’s Batman features a villain in the same vein as Nicholson’s Joker.

Jim Carrey’s Riddler, Tommy Lee Jones’ Two-Face, Willem Defoe’s Green Goblin, Colin Farrell’s Bullseye.

There are only so many times you can tap a vein before it collapses.

But the Hulk wasn’t all bad. Hell, Jennifer Connely looked even better than she did in Labyrinth (hey, I was a teenager when I saw it, so back off!).

Eric Bana had the intensity necessary for Banner, but the film definitely lacked the essential scene of Bruce whipping his cock out to taunt Glenn Talbott (what do you mean you haven’t seen Chopper?).

And the scenes with the Hulk himself… pure geek heaven. But tank bashing, rocket chewing, giant leaping aside, the close-up emotional moments were a tribute to the CGI bods. Not quite as convincing as Gollum, but still a step in the right direction.

Tits though. After the top notch X-Men 2 I thought Marvel Films were unstoppable.

Still, there’s always the Spider-Man sequel… and the trailer for Hulk 2: Anger Management looks fantastic, eh?

Stu Taylor is Editorial Consultant for Bulletproof Comics and is a regular writer for Black Library Publishing’s Inferno! and Warhammer Monthly. And no, there is no such thing as a Hulk 2 trailer.

'Stop Buying Comics!'

Comics are bloody expensive. No, really. I know you've been trying to dodge the issue for months now, but it's time to square up and face the harsh truth.

Sure, you may gloss over the fact with your partner by saying 'Most of what I buy are mini-series' or 'There are only a couple of issues left to go' and the old favourite 'This will be an investment for our kids'. But I've been there. And I know all your guilty, periodical buying excuses.

For Tharg's sake, what did you think was going to happen? Handing over your debit card to that ever-so jovial comic store retailer every Saturday was always going to make a dent in your finances. Regardless of whether you honestly believe proclaiming 'Just charge her up, I don't need a receipt' somehow makes it feel less real. Try buying an entire month's worth of comics with cash, and let's see just how blasé you are then, buster!

Hey! Look at me when I'm talking to you, I haven't finished yet!

Did you ever stop to wonder why your comic store retailer is so happy to see you? I know you think it's because you're a 'genuinely nice guy'. But you'd be wrong. So what if he lets you hang out back with the overstock, offers you coffee from a mug that was actually cleaned at least once that week, appears attentive when you drone on about how this series of Buffy is far tighter than the last one, and backs you up when you sheepishly admit to always liking Rob Liefeld's artwork.

Wake up and smell the body odour, man! That's his job. That last one should have rung some alarm bells at least.

Mr Retailer will not be the best man at your wedding. Truth be told, Mr Retailer probably doesn't even like you. Hell, even your mother's embarrassed to admit you sprang from her loins, so why would someone who sells comic books and dodgy Japanese porn be interested in being your buddy?

Oh yeah, I know.

It's because your monthly splurge pays his mortgage and still gives him some change left over for a slap up tea at The Eye Of Bengal as well as three lapdances at Spearmint Rhino.

Mr Retailer's face lights up like Chernobyl every time you stroll into his store, not because you share a 'special connection', but because he knows that he can tempt you with at least another £100 worth of stuff that you will never need on top of your already excessive standing order.

And it's no good skipping over the comic store debits on your bank statements either. Those doom-laden figures are there in black and white (or black and blue if you bank with Barclays).

Now you see the problem. Question is: what can you do about it?

Grab a pen. Write down a list of what you buy every month. Just the regular titles first. Those 'little one-offs' we'll deal with in good time. Now use that pen to draw a line through every title that you have at least two issues waiting in your 'to read' pile.

Good, that's a few knocked on the head already. Wasn't too painful, was it?

Okay, now out of the titles left, how many of them do you actually enjoy reading? I know, It sounds like a daft question. But seriously, how many of those titles do you actually enjoy reading, as opposed to those you think you should enjoy (or what one of the specialist mags tell you you should be enjoying). Any titles that don't rate high on your entertainment radar need to have a line drawn through them.

Now, back to those one-offs you've been adding to your order...

What possible use do you have for a limited-edition Batman moulded plasticene bookend? To support your graphic novel collection? Shut up. You have too many graphic novels. And there isn't room on your shelf to even use the bookends. Besides, what's wrong with the ones you already have from The Lord Of The Rings limited-edition DVD?

But we digress. How many T-shirts can one person possible wear? No, having one for every day of the year is not a sensible answer. You don't need that beer-belly hugging Hulk hockey top. Put down that copy of Previews and back away.

And that's it. Our work is done. By now you should have a far more concise, but still top notch standing order. And one that won't have you filing for bankruptcy anytime soon either.

Stop blubbering, this is for your own good. Think of them as tears of joy, not pain. Imagine what you could spend the money you save on. A deposit on your own home. An unforgettable romantic break for two. Food, even!

Emancipation awaits you.

If the thought of cutting into your order is tantamount to self-circumcision with a rusty craft knife, there are easier solutions. You could get a third job. Pimp your arse on the docks. Steal from your partner. Oh, you've done that already? Jeez, you really have got it bad.

But then, I can see where you're coming from. I share your pain, true believer. But I cast out those four-coloured demons. Told Spawn to get thee behind me. And laughed in the face of Death.

I remain strong, unyielding, resolute and...

Warren Ellis has a new issue of Planetary coming out, you say? Frank Quitely's drawing New X-Men again? Oh, and Dark Horse are collecting the entire run of Marvel's Star Wars comics?

Well, it won't really matter if I just put those on my order, right?

Stu Taylor is Editorial Consultant for bulletproofcomics.co.uk and is a regular writer for Games Workshop's Inferno! and Warhammer Monthly. He is currently going through cold turkey due to the fact his local comic store closed down... and doesn't see why he should be the only one to suffer.