'Stop Buying Comics!'

Comics are bloody expensive. No, really. I know you've been trying to dodge the issue for months now, but it's time to square up and face the harsh truth.

Sure, you may gloss over the fact with your partner by saying 'Most of what I buy are mini-series' or 'There are only a couple of issues left to go' and the old favourite 'This will be an investment for our kids'. But I've been there. And I know all your guilty, periodical buying excuses.

For Tharg's sake, what did you think was going to happen? Handing over your debit card to that ever-so jovial comic store retailer every Saturday was always going to make a dent in your finances. Regardless of whether you honestly believe proclaiming 'Just charge her up, I don't need a receipt' somehow makes it feel less real. Try buying an entire month's worth of comics with cash, and let's see just how blasé you are then, buster!

Hey! Look at me when I'm talking to you, I haven't finished yet!

Did you ever stop to wonder why your comic store retailer is so happy to see you? I know you think it's because you're a 'genuinely nice guy'. But you'd be wrong. So what if he lets you hang out back with the overstock, offers you coffee from a mug that was actually cleaned at least once that week, appears attentive when you drone on about how this series of Buffy is far tighter than the last one, and backs you up when you sheepishly admit to always liking Rob Liefeld's artwork.

Wake up and smell the body odour, man! That's his job. That last one should have rung some alarm bells at least.

Mr Retailer will not be the best man at your wedding. Truth be told, Mr Retailer probably doesn't even like you. Hell, even your mother's embarrassed to admit you sprang from her loins, so why would someone who sells comic books and dodgy Japanese porn be interested in being your buddy?

Oh yeah, I know.

It's because your monthly splurge pays his mortgage and still gives him some change left over for a slap up tea at The Eye Of Bengal as well as three lapdances at Spearmint Rhino.

Mr Retailer's face lights up like Chernobyl every time you stroll into his store, not because you share a 'special connection', but because he knows that he can tempt you with at least another £100 worth of stuff that you will never need on top of your already excessive standing order.

And it's no good skipping over the comic store debits on your bank statements either. Those doom-laden figures are there in black and white (or black and blue if you bank with Barclays).

Now you see the problem. Question is: what can you do about it?

Grab a pen. Write down a list of what you buy every month. Just the regular titles first. Those 'little one-offs' we'll deal with in good time. Now use that pen to draw a line through every title that you have at least two issues waiting in your 'to read' pile.

Good, that's a few knocked on the head already. Wasn't too painful, was it?

Okay, now out of the titles left, how many of them do you actually enjoy reading? I know, It sounds like a daft question. But seriously, how many of those titles do you actually enjoy reading, as opposed to those you think you should enjoy (or what one of the specialist mags tell you you should be enjoying). Any titles that don't rate high on your entertainment radar need to have a line drawn through them.

Now, back to those one-offs you've been adding to your order...

What possible use do you have for a limited-edition Batman moulded plasticene bookend? To support your graphic novel collection? Shut up. You have too many graphic novels. And there isn't room on your shelf to even use the bookends. Besides, what's wrong with the ones you already have from The Lord Of The Rings limited-edition DVD?

But we digress. How many T-shirts can one person possible wear? No, having one for every day of the year is not a sensible answer. You don't need that beer-belly hugging Hulk hockey top. Put down that copy of Previews and back away.

And that's it. Our work is done. By now you should have a far more concise, but still top notch standing order. And one that won't have you filing for bankruptcy anytime soon either.

Stop blubbering, this is for your own good. Think of them as tears of joy, not pain. Imagine what you could spend the money you save on. A deposit on your own home. An unforgettable romantic break for two. Food, even!

Emancipation awaits you.

If the thought of cutting into your order is tantamount to self-circumcision with a rusty craft knife, there are easier solutions. You could get a third job. Pimp your arse on the docks. Steal from your partner. Oh, you've done that already? Jeez, you really have got it bad.

But then, I can see where you're coming from. I share your pain, true believer. But I cast out those four-coloured demons. Told Spawn to get thee behind me. And laughed in the face of Death.

I remain strong, unyielding, resolute and...

Warren Ellis has a new issue of Planetary coming out, you say? Frank Quitely's drawing New X-Men again? Oh, and Dark Horse are collecting the entire run of Marvel's Star Wars comics?

Well, it won't really matter if I just put those on my order, right?

Stu Taylor is Editorial Consultant for bulletproofcomics.co.uk and is a regular writer for Games Workshop's Inferno! and Warhammer Monthly. He is currently going through cold turkey due to the fact his local comic store closed down... and doesn't see why he should be the only one to suffer.